Emotional Unavailability: Why it’s Important to Address Your Flaws
For the first time in a long time, I’m quite nervous to share this piece. What I’ll write here is personal to me, and it doesn’t paint me in a good light at all, but it’s honest. My mother will probably think there’s something wrong but there’s nothing wrong. All this is, is me facing up to a flaw that a lot of people have, and trying to figure a way to fix it.
I don’t want to get into the details of it, and I’m not trying to put anyone on blast, or talk shit. I also bear no ill feelings toward the person who hurt me either. We actually get on to this day, and shit done when you’re very young isn’t your responsibility, nor is it your problem that another person hasn’t figured it out yet.
All we’ll say is that, very early on in my love life I got hurt quite badly and I don’t think I ever recovered the way I needed to.
As awkward and embarrassing as it is to admit, this experience still holds scars in me. I’ve never fully been able to trust anyone, or myself since, and so I’ve never given any other person a chance. That’s hard for me to open up about but it’s true.
Due to that, I’ve ended up hurting some lovely people. Women I admire and wish I’d been more available for have been hurt by me as a result of me having been hurt. It’s a domino effect in that sense.
Over the past few weeks and months I’ve reached out, in some attempt at reconciliation. A lot of relationships have ended on account on my inability to commit fully. I don’t blame anyone for ignoring me though. At the end of the day, it’s an exercise to ease a guilty conscience, and sometimes you are the villain in the story.
I’d heard of the term ‘emotionally unavailable’ before but I denied that I could ever be correctly assigned this label. I’ve denied it for years, but it’s what I have been. Because I’m reluctant to open up, and allow myself to be vulnerable, I’ve pushed away people often by appearing uninterested and distant, when in reality, I’m just scared as fuck.
People are always left hurt when the other person is in this mind-frame. It’s detrimental. It’s incompatible with a healthy relationship. It’s what I’ve been denying for ages. I’m doing what I can now to examine it, and move past it. I have no doubt it’ll take some time but we’ll get there.
I wanted to share this today because I know often times, we only ever see people sharing the wins and perceptions of superficial happiness online. I know sometimes it might come across like I think I have all the answers, but the reality is, I struggle with my mental health just like everyone else.
I’d by a hypocrite if I told you to talk openly about your mental health problems while I sat here pretending I don’t have any. We all have our shit to work through. At the very least, I hope you took something from this, and I hope it gives someone the courage to speak up about their problems too. Thanks for reading.