Trying To Be Better
I give myself an awful hard time quite often. There is no one so specifically cruel to me than myself. I’m sure that’s true for everyone. In bouts of anxiety I’ll convince myself that many people hate me. In times in which I achieve goals and accomplish things, I’ll be the first one to tell myself I haven’t earned it, that I don’t deserve it.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wonder about whether I’m a good or a bad person. Of course, nobody is either fully, but most people will be more good than bad, or more bad than good. I spend, or maybe waste, hundreds of minutes figuring out whether I’m doing right in the moral sense. It eats away at me on hungover days and during days where my mood may not be aligned properly. In short, I batter myself by questioning the intentions of my actions, and it can be brutal at times.
I often think of how we must do what is right and not what’s easy. Easy things are often bad for you, and can be bad for those around us. Easy things make us complacent. Doing the right thing in a given situation can be difficult but it keeps us honest, and it allows us to live without a conscience that’s weighed down. Some days I tally up how many times I did what was easy compared to things I’ve done right, and it can be a harsh truth to swallow.
That being said, I think if you wonder often about whether you’re a bad person or not, you’re at least trying not to be one. Questioning your own intentions and actions forces you to be accountable. It forces you to own your behaviour and alter it so that you do the right thing in the future.
These are just some thoughts I’ve been having recently, a bit more personal than usual I admit. The end take away for me is this:
It’s entirely difficult to be a virtuous person. It takes effort and hard work. However, if you’re actively wondering about whether you’re good or not, at least you’re moving in the right direction. At least you’re trying to be better.