Every moment of my life feels deliberate.

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Every moment of my life feels deliberate.

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Every day now feels like the penultimate one. The last day before the last day. The end feels near even when it may not be. It lingers there every morning, the hope does.

It’s the sort of sleep that you wake up from exhausted. There’s madness seeping in under the door but you’ll be fine if you ignore it. Kettles scream constantly and doors slam open and closed in morse code. Have you really been in the house for this long? The sores on your legs confirm it. There’s a dirty sort of muck falling from the sky.

Unscheduled memories of people I haven’t seen in years float through my mind like lost ghosts when the night is too fuzzy for sleeping. They’re much more charming now that they’re gone. I’ve never fallen asleep watching a movie either. It’s bizarre to me that people can fall asleep without choosing to. Every moment of my life feels deliberate. The downside to that of course is that now all the suffering seems to fall under my responsibility.

Time is an odd thing that doesn’t exist. It sweeps by awfully quickly yet each day is as long as a year. How can you explain that and make sense of it between the ears? We try our best but we’re just guessing. That’s all. I remember when I was much younger I used to think people who were the age I am now had it all sorted out. They knew all the secrets to life. But no one does. Not a single person is doing anything but guessing. It’s easy to make out like you have any clue at all though.

It’s the little wins that get us through the day. When I meditate I try to convince myself that the day will be a good one and often it is. However, my definition of good has sunk to simply meaning ‘not bad’ but that’s good enough for now.

Some days are meant to be bad I think. Growing up you learn the opposite. We train our minds to be adverse to negative emotions. We label them ‘To be avoided at all costs’. That’s certainly a good recipe to feel negative emotions far more often. The things you avoid are the things that find you, aren’t they? Maybe not.

I recommend that you don’t avoid the negative emotions when you see them coming down the line like trains. Accept them. They’ll pull up for a time and make you feel them all over, but they will always leave again. We never seem to worry that happiness will overstay its welcome, but we always assume that sadness will never leave once it arrives.

Embrace the uncomfortable emotions like old friends. They’re the ones that’ll teach you who you really are.

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