A Dialogue on Self-Doubt
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Am I enough? I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough, not good enough.
Yes you are.
No I’m not. Results speak for themselves. Can’t deny the results. Over and over and over. Every Friday same thing. Unfortunately we cannot publish your work at this time.
Sure that’s all part of it. That happens to all of us. You have to go through this part.
Do I? They didn’t have to. They didn’t struggle with this, struggle like this.
Yes they did, they just didn’t talk about it like you do. The way you talk about it helps people. It lets them know that this happens to everyone.
Where’s the proof for that? How do you know this happens to everyone? What if I’m the only one talking because I’m the only one who hasn’t realised he’s not good enough yet and given up?
Don’t say things like that.
Why? Because it’s true and you don’t like to hear it? It’s been years of this. Years of being rejected again and again. I can’t take it, I can’t handle it. I’m not as strong as you think I am. I feel like I’m spending all this time and my youth and giving up on a different life to pursue this one and what if I’m wrong? What if I’m not as good a writer as I think I am and everyone around me is just feeling sorry for me and telling me I’m good when I’m shite?
Don’t say things like that.
Why? You said it was good that I talk about how hard this is and right now I’m on the verge of giving up and you’re telling me not to talk about it? Can’t have it both ways. Can’t have both. All I want is to be granted the same opportunities the rest of them get. Not even considered, recommended, glanced at. My work is shit. It has to be. Otherwise they’d care. Otherwise they’d email with better news. But here I am. Alone as always and getting fucking nowhere.
But all those other people know the right kinds of people. They went to college and they met people. It’s all about who you know. That’s true of every industry.
So what? Even if my work is good enough it’ll never go anywhere if I don’t know the right people? That hardly seems just.
Well, life has never been fair. You know this. You speak about this.
Yes, okay but just for once, one time, I’d like if the universe could throw a guy a bone and be just, be fair, be with me rather than feeling entirely against me. Is that too much to ask for? I’m not asking for everything, just for something, anything, to come through, to work, to be felt, be seen, be heard. Can I ask for that? Is that too much? Am I being too much?
Bad days come. You’re just in one of them now. It’ll pass. It’s not as terrible as you think. This will pass. I promise. Every bad day you’ve ever had has passed. You’re good. You’ll be good. You are good, you’ll be good.
