Feeling Strong Emotions
If you’ve read Lonely Boy or have read along here over the past few years then you’ll know that there have been times in my life when I’ve found it difficult to feel strong emotions. Connecting emotionally to aspects of my life has never come easy. It’s often resulted in me moving past key events faster than I would ideally like to.
And it’s also resulted in me not putting in the necessary effort in relationships. Because I can’t feel the required emotions, these relationships begin to fall into disrepair.
People opt out. It feels as though I don’t care, or that I’m not putting in appropriate effort. It’s understandable that they might opt out – why would you stay with someone who doesn’t seem to care?
However, it isn’t that I don’t care, it’s that my emotions aren’t registering. It is not a pleasant experience to feel this way. It isn’t nice, but it happens, and it’s been happening again recently.
I think the more pertinent issue isn’t this temporary inability to feel, but rather my inability to communicate what is going on. In the past I’ve neglected to be upfront and tell people that I’m not feeling anything. I’ve just accepted their discontent, and agreed that maybe ending things is the best course of action. And it is this, historically, that has caused me to be alone for so long – an inability to communicate what’s going on with me.
Maybe I’ll never fully get to place where I’m always feeling strong emotions. Perhaps this is simply the way I am. But I don’t always have to be poor at communicating the issue. I think that, had I been able to tell partners in the past that I was going through a bout of emotional apathy that we may have endured. And this is something I can change. I can’t, perhaps, control the state of my emotions, but I can control how effectively I share this with other people. And I feel like this will make a difference.
Well, I hope it can make a difference.
I’m fine now, by the way. There’s no need for concern. I just thought it was important to talk about how trick this can be for me. Because I’m aware that people often think my mental health is always 100%, and that just isn’t the case.
Sometimes we all struggle, and think being honest about this is essential for normalising these conversations.