Imposter

I was sat in a room last night with a group of friends from college. It’s been 4 years or so since we finished the undergrad. In most ways we’re all still very much the same as we were; giddy dopes who are fond of drinking cans (Except Dan lol). In another sense, we may as well be entirely different people. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. I glanced around the room on the end of a swig from a can of Coors and found myself to be within quite an accomplished circle. We had a medical doctor, an author, one doing a PhD, two more chasing doctorates, research assistants. Everyone was excelling in their own way. And yet, in our own ways we all had a sense of being imposters.

This isn’t an unfamiliar feeling for me personally. Nearly every time I achieve something I feel like I don’t deserve it, or I didn’t work hard enough for it, or that some sort of mistake was made. Most of the time I feel as though I must have somehow cheated to achieve whatever goal it was. The group from college all had a similar feeling and I wondered then if it’s a symptom of success, or whether you’re likely to achieve more if you never feel as though you’ve done enough to have earned the accomplishment.

Of course this idea of being a fraud can put strains on your mental health, and general sense of contentment too. If the goalposts keep moving, then you rarely allow yourself the time to truly enjoy and celebrate your achievements. Moving onto the next one starts in the same moment you find out you’re successful. This again, can be beneficial in ways, for continuing to achieve but it also causes you to forget to be grateful for what you have just accomplished. At a certain point it seems like nothing will ever satisfy the itch. The grass will always be greener.

I haven’t really figured out a way to work around the feeling of being an imposter. I don’t think it’s as easy as talking yourself out of it. How do you justify relishing an achievement when deep down you don’t really feel like you’ve earned it? My answer has always been to get the head back down and keep working, but somehow I feel that’s a temporary fix for something that is preventing you from being content over the long-term.

I’ve often referenced that the price of ambition is dissatisfaction. I can’t remember where I read that but I know it to be true. However, I don’t think that being ambitious means you can’t be happy. I think it might be more difficult to attain contentment, but it’s not impossible. The first step for me was to be aware of the fact that when I come to the point of achieving a goal I usually skip past the point where I’m ‘allowed’ to feel good about it.

So these days when I achieve something, instead of getting right back into the work, I take a day off, I meet up with some friends to celebrate and I give myself a well-earned ‘Atta boy’, even if there’s a part of me that doesn’t feel that I do deserve it. That part of me is a dehydrated gowl and he’s just jealous.

Drink water,