Egoalposts

E-goalposts

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There was a time when the life I live now was the entire goal. This was the end point. I told myself that if I ever got to here that would be enough. This is all I ever wanted.

And it is enough. It’s more than I could want. But our minds have a funny habit of moving the goalposts. Because there’s still insecurity, and self-esteem, and looking over garden walls. And it can become toxic. Of course it can. If your ambition can never be satiated, it means you’ll never have enough.

Years ago, in 2020, I wrote a piece about the price of ambition. At the time I thought the price of ambition was to never be fully satisfied, that there will always be a want for more. I don’t think that anymore. Now I think that cost is actually the cost of ego. Because it is not the drive of ambition that causes us to be unhappy when we have so much. It is the ego, wanting more, wanting others around us to have left. The greed for attention, for affirmation and validation. That isn’t ambitious. That’s self-absorption.

And I fall prey to this sometimes. It’s not nice for me to admit this, but it’s important I do. It’s a particularly potent insecurity. To feel like you’re not enough, and to fill that void by feeling you are further ahead than others. It sucks, frankly. It makes you cynical, jaded, resentful. I’m happy that I’m not often like this, but when I am, I don’t like the version of me I find in my reflection.

I think it’s good to edit what you want. I am so grateful to be where I am, and it would seem silly to stop working now after so much work has been put in. But now, now it is essential that I understand what is motivating the work I do. Is it because I am compelled by something intangible, drawn towards the work like the tide to the moon, or is it because my ego is consuming, its fragility requiring some proof that I am good enough. If it is the latter, we have a problem. Because thee work produced will be tainted with a neediness we can all pick up on.

The goalposts may move, they may always move, but my level of fulfilment shouldn’t be led by the ego. I shouldn’t be unhappy with what I have just because there is more that could be done.