I Just Hate Texting

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I Just Hate Texting

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I wake up and the weight of the world has already wrecked my neck. I twist my head and here in crack like the knuckles of a weight-lifter. Someone on the internet is telling me I look hungover. I’m not, but I understand that I’m looking tired most days now. Am I ageing naturally or is the world speeding up the process?

I fumble around on my phone until it’s time to be late for work. I sip a coffee on the walk to an office. It tastes like an ashtray and I look like the end of a cigarette so the universe is in sync. I see pigeons chasing one another and wonder if they ever get anxious. Doubtful because they didn’t overcook their brains. They didn’t upgrade beyond the point of no return. Pigeons don’t recognise themselves in the mirror and I imagine that this is quite lovely.

I keep getting uninterested in everything. The essay, the relationship, myself. Sometimes I think this means I’m a bad person. Sometimes I can be a prick. When I end another relationship for no other reason than feeling like it has fizzled, I hate knowing that a person who used to like me now becomes someone who can’t stand me. Suddenly affection turns to hatred. In the space of seconds I go from being their favourite person to an enemy. And I’ve never understood this. I’ve never hated anyone I’ve dated, even after it ended. How could I? I can’t switch like that – I still feel the same about you, it just isn’t going to work out.

Human feelings are tricky. They’re hard to predict and manage. They’re fickle. They keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. And maybe I just need to accept that they’ll never stop moving. Friendships are easier than relationships. They don’t require as much constant affirmation. I don’t need to text my friends everyday to keep them. And I hate texting, feel the energy I have draining when I have to constantly respond. I miss the days when that wasn’t expected. Now there’s the implication that I’m becoming distant because I haven’t texted in three days. Back in the day this was just regular communication, now it’s a sign that you’re unenthusiastic.

I just hate texting. It’s not that deep.

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