#FictionFriday: The WiFi is Shite in Heaven

The WiFi is shite in heaven. That’s actually a misrepresentation. There’s no WiFi at all. I’ve done it again because that’s not entirely accurate either. A place has to exist before you can decide whether the place in question does, or does not have WiFi. There’s no WiFi in heaven because there is no heaven. I bumped into the fella Ghandi the other day and he didn’t seem too pleased about that at all. All the graft he did, and heaven wasn’t even real. I was hoping for a version of after-life twitter myself, but it doesn’t exist.

Heaven doesn’t exist but we do. There is an after-life as it turns out but it’s not heavenly. It can only be described as very grand.

There’s nothing wrong but there’s not much of WOW factor. There’s nowhere near as much colour as there is in Pre-Life (that’s what we call it #swag). There’s no tech, no mirrors, no reflections and it’s constantly overcast. It’s grand like. It’d remind of you one of those movies made in the early 90s that was shot in colour but still looked awfully grey. At first I thought it was purgatory, but then I saw your man Jesus in a nightclub and knew it couldn’t have been. Turns out he hasn’t met the man in charge yet either, and he’s been here for fucking ages. There’s always debate over at University Square suggesting that the man in charge doesn’t even exist. To be fair, if he hasn’t even chatted shite with Jesus for five minutes the man mustn’t exist at all.

I’m not sure about it really. Why would we exist in an afterlife yet have nothing that created us, or life, or this strange place after life. I spent my whole life refusing to believe a God or an afterlife existed, which was primarily motivated by logic. Yet here I am, in the same place Christian Jesus ended up in. There doesn’t appear to be any God, and everything is south of heavenly. It’s like living in a world full of First World Problems. There’s nothing here to truly justify a complaint, but everything is just slightly inconvenient. It’s very grand. You’ll probably like it, it’s better than nothing in fairness. Oh, and Jesus is black, that seemed noteworthy at the time.

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