My Dealings With The Illuminati
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When I get the first message from The Illuminati to join The Illuminati it does not come as a surprise. I am exactly the kind of person that The Illuminati would recruit. They make a point of ensuring they are not an evil organisation. This is exactly the kind of thing an evil organisation would say. I ignore this first email. Because I couldn’t be arsed replying.
Then there comes the DM from a man named Albert Hermann who only recently made his account. Which is suss, obviously. But I play along.
His first message goes like this:
‘ILLUMINATI INVITATION:
Based on the membership criterion of the illuminati, we find you are of great interest in possession of good mastery of manual dexterity and academic proficiency. With this, we look at you as the class that will be the platform for which you stand to meet wealthy people who can raise you to wealth, power, fame and glory.
You have been chosen for greatness and empowerment and I Strongly recommend that you join us in the illuminati. Joining us you become wealthy and live the life you desire. Do you accept the offer?’
Of course I want to accept the offer. Nobody has ever bothered to notice my mastery of manual dexterity before. I am hooked. I just need to work out the details of my involvement. One of the key tenants to this organisation is that it is secret. Nobody can know you are a part of it. So I screenshot this message and put it on my story.
Albert goes on and on telling me about the purpose of the Illuminati. It’s quite tedious and repetitive. I would have thought the Illuminati would be keen on efficiency and succinctness, but alas, it wasn’t so. In short, they want to protect the human species from destruction by doing unclear things in the background of society. He doesn’t give specifics, but I conclude that this is classic Illuminati behaviour. However, he does mention that joining isn’t complicated, which I am happy to hear, because I not too long before this encounter I tried to join a Spanish bank and that was extremely complicated. I am looking for an easy win.
After a long process of convincing Albert that I am serious, he gives me the key to joining:
‘The Grand Master is a noble man and you will be blessed to talk to him.
You can reach out to him on WhatsApp because he is a busy man, he will give you some other informations you need to know and guide you on how to become a member. You must have WhatsApp, right?’
He is right. I do have WhatsApp and he gives me the number, which I save in my phone as ‘THE ILLUMINATI’
The Grand Master’s name is Martin Davidson. I open our conversation:
‘Hey GM, Albert sent me’
An hour and a half later he messages me back:
‘Hello, Greetings to you
This is Martin Davidson, the Grand Master of the Illuminati. I’m glad to be in touch with you today. You’re welcome to the place of breakthrough and a total turn around, so please do you want me to send all the information about the illuminati to you email address because I’m sending bulk messages to enable you understand what this is all about and we can discuss on here?’
Of course, I say, and give him one of my emails.
This isn’t unusual behaviour. Often, I reply to Nigerian millionaires desperately looking for someone to take their fortunes from them. It must be tough. I like to troll them, have conversations, see if I can make them give up.
But I’ve also been scammed successfully in the past. I was catfished not so long ago, had my nude images used against me in blackmail. I never paid, and the pictures were never leaked, but still, I was duped into thinking the person I was sending my pictures to was a real and trustworthy person but this was not the case. I understand it’s a dangerous game to be playing. And the only reason I can see for doing it is that I think it’s funny. It’s that simple. I risk being blackmailed because I think the interactions are gas.
Anyway, back to Martin. It takes him a full day to email me, but when he does, I hit the shadow government jackpot. Email after email after email, thick with text about what The Illuminati does, and doesn’t do. Again there are no real specifics, other than pontification about protecting the human race, selecting the few among us who are destined to lead etc. etc.
Here’s an example:
‘Welcome! We are delighted that your life’s journey has led you to discover our organization. Maybe you have met one of our members in the flesh. Or perhaps not; we value anonymity. We see and know all just as a shepherd sees and knows all of the flock, our eyes peering over the masses to identify any threat. We are the bringers of new dawns, the guardians of the human species. We are the pyramid, the eye, the eternal. We are the Illuminati. The Illuminati is a collective of prominent figures throughout the world who have united to guard the human species from extinction. Our members bear the burden of a planets leadership with the lives of 7 billion in their hands. As the human continues to rise above its other animal counterparts governing of the planet has turned into a daunting task. In return for their loyalty, our members are presented a life of limitless wealth and opportunity.’
There is an incredible footnote at the bottom of one of these nonsensical emails:
‘NOTE ;THERE ARE NO BLOOD OR HUMAN SACRIFICES IN THE ILLUMINATI .’
And here I thought that’s what they were all about. Their PR team is doing a horrendous job.
More ominously, Grand Master Martin Davidson implies that there are people around me who are already in The Illuminati, and that these people had highlighted my existence to the organisation for recruitment:
‘The illuminati has members around you who have chosen you because they have came in touch with you one way or the other and have seen you as a man with a bright future but you won’t know because of the secret legacy of the organisation.
We are here to help and give you the necessary support and empowerment you need to better your career and endeavours and make you great, so you can have enough for yourself and also be a helping hand to those around you and life the best life you desire.’
It’s all very detailed without giving any actual detail, reminding me of things like horoscopes – telling the reader flattering things without actually saying anything of substance.
And then we get to the good part.
The final email I receive from Martin is a list of benefits that come with joining this secret organisation. Despite not being clear on what exactly would be required of me upon joining, they are very specific about the benefits:
‘BENEFITS GIVEN TO NEW MEMBERS WHO JOIN ILLUMINATI.
1. A Cash reward worth $4,000,000
2. A New Sleek Dream CAR valued at $300,000
3. A Dream House bought in the country of your own choice
4. One Month holiday (fully paid) to your dream Tourist destination.
5. One year Golf Membership package
6. A V.I.P treatment in all Airports in the World
7. Golds
8. A total Lifestyle change.’
I’d never seen a list so specific and so vague all at once. The fact that they have the funds to give me four million dollars in cash but can only manage to get me a one-month holiday and a one-year golf package is insane to me. I do, however, appreciate the vagueness of item 7 – Golds – which could mean many golds or just a handful of golds. The possibilities are boundless.
The benefits are alluring. Especially considering I am perpetually without money, trips to the golf course, and golds. The housing market also makes the offer of a Dream House quite appealing. But I’m not convinced. Interesting though, is that up until this point neither Albert nor Martin has asked me for anything. Usually in scams there is some sort of low administration fee they need to pay in order to transfer funds. I wasn’t asked for any. All I had to do was sign over my soul for all these delicious benefits. It seems like the deal of a lifetime.
All that said, I don’t bother replying. But I don’t block them either. A few days later, Martin wishes me a good day on WhatsApp and asks if everything is alright because he hadn’t heard from me in a few days (what a sweetheart). Later that same day, Albert DM’s me on Instagram with a similar sentiment, solidifying my suspicion that Martin and Albert are in fact, the same person.
However, that same night, deep into the morning, I make the decision to block all parties. At around 2AM, while I am asleep, my phone starts vibrating violently on my bedside table. I wake up alarmed and confused, immediately thinking one of my friends or family members is in trouble. I pick up my phone to see the words, ‘THE ILLUMINATI Is Calling’ and silence the vibration. I know this is the beginning of non-stop hounding, so I block the number, and block Albert on Instagram before going back to sleep.
All things considered, it’s a nice thought, knowing The Illuminati are desperate to recruit me, but I won’t join no matter how many Golds they offer.